oh, and by the way

Just for the record: things have been really great with me lately. I've been elated for the most part. My own internal, personal struggles are not to say that I have not been great overall. I'm the stinking happiest person on earth! Can you believe that? Someone stop me, I'm so happy.

The funny thing is - it's not sarcasm. It's for real. I really and truly am happy. People get so used to me never wavering that when I do every now and again feel a little left to the wayside, they can't handle it. I'm ok with that.

And I'm still happy.
And I'm still here.
And I'm still full of love and wildfire.

awakening (more sudden than rude); asleep (more restless than deep).

** The beginning portion of this was originally posted on May 25, 2004

All for comfort and worry. COMFORT. WORRY. Do they both exist on parallel planes? CAN they both exist on parallel planes?
I'm hitting a brick wall. I'm running straight into it, through it, with energy unsurpassed. I was sitting, listening hard. There was noise all around, but it was not noise. It was confusion. It was empty sound. It meant nothing. As the world spun around me, I was 100% focused, narrowed even.

Things change. Attitudes, actions - they all change.

I came to such a stark, candid realization yesterday. This is something that has been so incredibly long in the works, but I came to my end yesterday realizing all of my actions, my words, my thoughts, my motivations, my attitudes... they've all been so fettered - that is, fettered to this crazy idea that I have to please everyone, that I can't say no, that... well, sometimes to no idea at all. Sometimes they are blank, empty, hollow. Sometimes it's as though it's not even me.

God still bothers with me, and why? I strive to be a servant of Christ but I seldom strive with any great vigor. I strive to strive. I want to want. I desire to desire.

My life must mean something. It has to in the end. What will my life count for? More importantly, what will my earthly end count for? I don't know why I do some of the things that I do. I ruin my testimony. I speak from both sides of my mouth. I love my savior, but not enough to quit pushing him away. I'm like a 2 year-old. It's amazing.


***

I'm not certain that I've ever re-posted a blog entry/title. Somehow, this seems far more appropriate now than it did nearly a year ago.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. (Ephesians 6:12)

For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I'm not one to typically walk around quoting scripture - but I do frequently state what's on my mind. If that happens to be scripture, then we're all in for a treat, now aren't we?

My life does equal something. My words and actions are always taken into account, but the bottom line is that I don't want my faith to be mediocre. I don't want my faith to be average. I am desperate for my faith to be extraordinary - and I'm somewhat unsure of how to express that. This is typical moe behavior.

I love people with such intensity that it postively aches - it's just that sometimes people don't know that. Many times people don't know that. I could maybe muster up the courage to say it - but what's to say that people would even believe me?

I often hate feeling introspective. It makes me feel vulnerable, even to myself.

When I think, I write.
When I write, I mostly feel the insatiable urge to post it on websites such as this (even against my better judgement)
It's been scientifically proven that when a person like me makes the decision to post their personal thoughts and musings on a public domain such as this, it is inevitable that at some point in time, it will be posted on a political site with the intention of embarassing, mocking, and/or destroying someone that I care about; I should probably be a little more careful, eh?
Moral of the story: politics suck.

except... well, that's not really the moral of the story at all.

Currently reading : Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality By Donald Miller Release date: By 17 July, 2003

veruca salt & sergeant pepper my palate

Headlines read today that the very line which threatened the death of me, is indeed itself DEAD. Finished. Kaput. Over.
Bliss, bliss, bliss...

It's nice to finally get back to normal working hours. Y'know - 12 hour days instead of the ridiculous 16 and 17 hours that I have been working lately.

I've had a lot of doctors appointments lately. Who knew it was so complicated to set up a primary care physician?

It's difficult for me to conceive that my family has been away nearly two weeks (and another week to go)! At first, it was something of a task for me to even think of Peru without my eyes tearing up. Ridiculously sappy? Perhaps. But true nonetheless. My grandfather is getting older and while I plan on moving down there next year, I still want to spend as much time as possible with them all now. I'd be lying if I said I didn't resent not being able to go just a little bit. The salt in my wounds is going home to three noisy dogs every night and stopping off at Kelly's every so often to check on her crazy cats. Speaking of which... if I forget to stop by there again tonight, I might be finding dead (not crazy) cats at Kelly's house.

And this stings. And this hurts just a wee bit.

***

And now, in the news:

McDonald's May Outsource Drive Thrus
In case Americans weren't getting fatter at a rate swift enough to please McDonald's corporate hogs, the monster cow killers have now decided to move the cattle line a little more quickly through the trough by outsourcing their pick-up window. In a similar article, the AP reports that all U.S. flights to europe are now being heavily scrutinized in fear that americans could begin to bring their disease with them on vacation and business travel, spreading obesity and dimpled fat syndrome across Italy and France. Travelers are currently being quarantined.


Ex-Worker Sues Madonna, Claims Harassment
This is similar to the class action lawsuit that America filed against the pop diva shortly after the 1992 release of her book: "SEX"
Regardless of how the trial ended, Madonna still won seeing as how you can now purchase her nudie book for a mere $145 on Amazon.com. Brava!


Shorter, Less Bloody, 'Passion' Opens This Friday
I really don't have much to say about this (but I'm sure many of you do), but I find it interesting that someone would try to make a human being's execution "more palatable to a wider audience". It just sort of struck my funny bone.

Carry on, Mr. Gibson. Can we hope to maybe see second cuts to Braveheart any time soon, in which several scottish patriots perform slapstick comedy for their oppresors while warriors don ballet tutus and dance about to the sounds of Tchaikovsky? Or perhaps a newer, friendlier version of the Patriot in which the redcoats fall subject to unkindly spoken words and much glove slapping? Inquiring minds...

Currently listening : Good News For People Who Love Bad News By Modest Mouse Release date: By 06 April, 2004