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To all those who will forever be a part of my life: I thank you. I bash you, but then overall, I thank you.

My face is warm still from the sun I absorbed this afternoon on the lake. I like my summer clothes. I like my summer clothes when it is summer, but as soon as fall hits I'm so in love with my winter clothes. But right now, well, summer clothes are it. I even managed to find a swimsuit that I really like. That hasn't happened in about 15 years.

I'm loving all the time that being unemployed is affording me to do things such as sit on the lake for hours at a time, pay my bills, read some books, think... I do a hell of a lot of thinking. It's typically the dangerous kind. And then I wonder, when did I become such a thinker? When did I become such a chick? Something here has to change.
Too much thinking. Not enough doing.
Whatever happened to my copy of "The Unbearable Lightness of Being"?

Whether or not I ought to be thinking, I'm not sure. But I do know that it's stirred up a lot of ideas. It's stirred up quite a few revelations. Mainly that I'm tired. I'm tired of bullshitting. I'm tired of not being creative. I'm tired of being a complainer. I'm tired of not being responsible enough. I'm tired of being too responsible. And most of all, I'm tired of selling God. I'm really really tired of selling God, as if He were a vacuum cleaner, or soap. All this time I've had this different idea of God locked up inside of me and I knew it was different, so different from the traditionalist view of God, that cookie-cutter church view that no one really understands but the masses seem to accept anyway. I'm frustrated with knowing and not living.

Heavens to Betsy...

The frustration will end. The living will start. Count me transparent from now on. Count me ever ready. Count me standing alone.
Just count me.

Addendum: on a completely separate note, can I even express the happiness I feel over my tan? Can I express the happiness I feel over life in general? Yes, I've been tired of these things, but I have been DOING, and it feels great. Yes, yes, there's a whole slew of "new leaf" stuff that has me feeling good, but a new leaf can only take me so far - after that, I feel like God takes me the rest of the way.
He's given me joy for the journey, and it's a wonderful thing.

Currently reading : Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality By Donald Miller Release date: By 17 July, 2003