Monday, August 29, 2005

we laugh indoors

Ambulance lights flash and break the semi-darkness of dawn.
I reach and stop the ringing that is coming out of somewhere. My sleep is so deep that my dream continues playing out in front of me even after I've opened my eyes. I blink a few times to make it go away.

It is my mother calling me with strange and sleepy tears in her voice. She's very upset and I'm having difficulty piecing together why. My grogginess is unprecedented (and I challenge you to say otherwise).

Her and my father are on their way to the hospital, following the paramedics. Tony had arrived at work early this morning and began to feel strange - his vision blacking in and out and his coordination becoming painfully slow and labored. He knew what was coming, but as always, ignored it hoping that it would pass. Moments later, he collapsed. A teenage co-worker with bad skin and wearing a Paul Frank t-shirt hollered for someone to call an ambulance.
Another seizure.

Word came later that it took him a good 20 minutes to a half hour to fully come around. His memory seems ok this time. He's suffering a slight residual tremor in his left leg that will surely disappear by late afternoon.
I sincerely hope that this poor kid doesn't lose his license.
Much less groggy now, I'm really glad that it wasn't more severe. I don't want another late-August hospital disaster again this year. Last year was enough.

***
And just when I thought I had had my fill of this crap, just when I thought I had ended all the girly garbage, when I thought I had gotten a completely sound mind back for my efforts...
I don't mean for it to happen, and admittedly, it sort of confuses me. I thought I was finished being crazy. I thought I was finished looking for a counselor.
But then here I am.
But then there I was, three doors down, the headlights of a police cruiser penetrating the interior of the Focus, its cherry lights spinning, and flashing, and mocking - making my reflection in the rear view mirror to look exactly how I felt: crazy and distorted.

It has the potential to make me feel dark and Godless.
I don't like that feeling.
It makes me feel mentally exhausted, but then I don't want to develop any sort of romantical attachment to the idea of being insane, so...

I found myself at Kelly's house last night somewhere around 1:00 in the morning. Maybe 1:30 - I can't quite remember.
Brandon was there.
Brandon's friends were there.
I quickly retreated to the living room where I obsessively checked my email, Sports Center blaring in the background.
His friends left shortly after I arrived there but not before Frankie made his way to the living room to introduce himself and hit on me briefly. I said hello and kept my head down.

Brandon concocted himself a Captain and Coke in the kitchen and then came and joined me on the couch. He flipped through the channels before settling on Rounders - I made him shut it off after one scene because he kept talking along with the dialog. It was impressive (he replicated John Malkovich's Russian accent and everything), but slightly unnerving.

And then Brandon and I talked. We talked for a long time. We talked for several hours. Brandon and I haven't talked like that in at least two and a half years.
I told him [nearly] everything and he told me [nearly] everything. And then we shared sighs. And smiles.
Neither one of us said that we were holding back anything, but I think it was at least somewhat evident.

We talked (quite literally) about sex, and drugs, and rock 'n' roll. And we talked about God, and the church, and even homosexuality for a bit. I asked him about blow, he asked me about Jesus, and somewhere around 5:00 am we hugged, he mouthed the words "I miss you", and then we headed to bed; he to his and I to Kelly's.

I kind of miss you too, Brandon.

***
So where am I now? I'm here, at home.
I was just painting on my wall again. This plaster definitely feels more artistic than a paint roller, but it's taking forever and I'm not 100% pleased with the results. It's coming along though.
I'm coming along.

And am I feeling more stable and less afraid, and dark, and Godless than last night? Yes. That too.
I'm a reasonable person, I know I am. I have my moments, but overall I am reasonable. I've shaken this back into resolve, and until next time, I'll be just fine (thank you very much).


Currently listening :
The Photo Album
By Death Cab for Cutie
Release date: By 09 October, 2001

Thursday, August 25, 2005

count the berries

Denver.
Not exactly Camelot, but a lovely place nonetheless.
In all actuality, I didn't enjoy Denver itself all that much. Boulder was pleasant. Idaho Falls was great.
Denver is mediocre, and I'm pretty sure that it knows.

I climbed (drove) to the top of Mt. Evans where I saw fun things such as these peaks:

and these guys as well:

Enough about sheep and mountaintops though.
My computer is typing super slow right now and I can't figure out why. I'll type a sentence and it takes the computer a full 30 seconds to catch up with what I've written. I'm going to be here forever...

I could scream.
But I won't.

***

I've decided that I want to create something really fun, and nice, and pleasing to the eye. I want to make something from scratch and admire its completion. I want to be creative so badly right now that it nearly hurts.
The crazy this is that I"m feeling so damn creative right now but simultaneously feeling as though I can't write worth a whole hill of beans.
Please bear with me.
I'll take a few Tylenol and then this will all be better.
It will all seem better.

***
On a completely separate plane of thought: there are a few things that everyone absolutely must try. Certainly succotash and the Segway are among these things, but even more so than that, everyone really must try www.postsecret.comand www.overheardinnewyork.com
Two fabulous websites that will (no doubt) keep you entertained far past 5 o'clock in the evening.
At least you'll miss the return rush hour traffic.
While you're busy surfing the web, I'm in need of a new computer monitor. I've had my sights set on a 32" flat LCD - anyone willing may toss it into their shopping cart on BestBuy.com. I'll repay with Curves incentive dollars. Lord knows I have plenty of them.

Meanwhile I drive and I sing. I switch CDs often to mix songs and give myself a certain self-induced high that the iPod just doesn't seem to accomplish as much as I'd like it to. Something about rushing to switch the CD while hugging curves at 60mph is relatively calming, and intoxicating.

I realize that the lint is gone, but I am still here.
My life has changed, most certainly. It's always changing, contiuously evolving. I almost always love the evolution after the fact; the simple reality that it even took place at all is what I'm in love with most.
The evolution stretches and pulls. It rips at me in a few places and sometimes I wonder if what is trying to take place can actually even fit in my skin.
It does, eventually.

Dammit.
And isn't this FUN?!

An addendum:
My little brother Tony is engaged.
he's engaged. he's only 21.
egads.
I'm going to eat an ice-cream sandwich and watch Team America.

Currently listening :
Alien Lanes
By Guided By Voices
Release date: By 04 April, 1995

Saturday, August 13, 2005

25% off

To all those who will forever be a part of my life: I thank you. I bash you, but then overall, I thank you.

My face is warm still from the sun I absorbed this afternoon on the lake. I like my summer clothes. I like my summer clothes when it is summer, but as soon as fall hits I'm so in love with my winter clothes. But right now, well, summer clothes are it. I even managed to find a swimsuit that I really like. That hasn't happened in about 15 years.

I'm loving all the time that being unemployed is affording me to do things such as sit on the lake for hours at a time, pay my bills, read some books, think... I do a hell of a lot of thinking. It's typically the dangerous kind. And then I wonder, when did I become such a thinker? When did I become such a chick? Something here has to change.
Too much thinking. Not enough doing.
Whatever happened to my copy of "The Unbearable Lightness of Being"?

Whether or not I ought to be thinking, I'm not sure. But I do know that it's stirred up a lot of ideas. It's stirred up quite a few revelations. Mainly that I'm tired. I'm tired of bullshitting. I'm tired of not being creative. I'm tired of being a complainer. I'm tired of not being responsible enough. I'm tired of being too responsible. And most of all, I'm tired of selling God. I'm really really tired of selling God, as if He were a vacuum cleaner, or soap. All this time I've had this different idea of God locked up inside of me and I knew it was different, so different from the traditionalist view of God, that cookie-cutter church view that no one really understands but the masses seem to accept anyway. I'm frustrated with knowing and not living.

Heavens to Betsy...

The frustration will end. The living will start. Count me transparent from now on. Count me ever ready. Count me standing alone.
Just count me.

Addendum: on a completely separate note, can I even express the happiness I feel over my tan? Can I express the happiness I feel over life in general? Yes, I've been tired of these things, but I have been DOING, and it feels great. Yes, yes, there's a whole slew of "new leaf" stuff that has me feeling good, but a new leaf can only take me so far - after that, I feel like God takes me the rest of the way.
He's given me joy for the journey, and it's a wonderful thing.

Currently reading :
Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality
By Donald Miller
Release date: By 17 July, 2003

Friday, August 05, 2005

red sequins

The charm of a hand-written journal has only increased with the introduction of online blogs and "live journal".

And then I feel as though I've reached the point when I have nothing left to write because it's already all been typed... I would much rather my grand children and great grandchildren stumble across an old chest full of leather-bound journals in the attic than stumble across some cached blogs on a Google search. That's not real; that's not tangible.
A hand-written journal, I touched its cover, I turned its pages. That is real. That was, and is, and will be. That's so damn beautiful.

Business has been positively swimming around my brain the past few weeks, but very little of it was making any sense. None of it was going anywhere, most certainly. And then there was yesterday with its purposeful and productive work and then there was today, with it channeled energy and renewed enthusiasm for the task ahead. And there will be tomorrow, with its intended early rise, and exercise, and morning list making. And if I'm feeling really introspective and plain good, then perhaps a little romp through the Psalms and Proverbs.
My Bible reading seems to be reserved for those times when I'm feeling slightly redeemed, for when I'm feeling pious and good, for when I feel like I can approach my Savior, guiltless.

These days those times are few and far between for certain.
My life is spinning and moving, halting and starting again.
The life is constantly being breathed into me, over and over again.
And I know my Redeemer lives. And I know my life's work is not yet complete.
I'm sad to leave the present... sometimes I'm excited to move onto the next... when I'm not too busy being scared out of my mind with clueless wonder: what is next?
God only knows.

He cares more for a fraction of my life than for the lives of the thousands of tsunami victims in Asia.
Why can't I allow myself to love him?

All these changes in my life.
All these changes.
All these changes.
All these changes...

One year, and all these changes. I'm not the same person I was at all.
But oh yes, here I am.
I am here, only a tiny bit battered and bruised.
Only slightly marked.
Yes, I am so different, but here I am, right where I left me.
Right where I left God. And how amazing is that?
And I'm right here where I left God.
Incredible.
Right here where I left God.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

first, october

it's not quite new news, but still surprising every time I see it. oh my.



It's funny the way God works sometimes.
But then, well... not so funny at all.

Currently listening :
Her Majesty
By The Decemberists
Release date: By 09 September, 2003

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

aquafy

I've been a bit blog happy lately, this I realize. It comes from being unemployed. It comes from having a big mouth (or large hands - both are equally applicable in this instance), it comes from desiring endless amounts of entertainment ranging between the brackets of really cheap and free. It comes from liking the sound of the keyboard as I type at 80 wpm...

I was cleaning out my computer today and came across this picture that I kind of forgot about for awhile. I really, really love it. In fact, it might be in the top five favorite pictures that I've ever taken. Well, maybe the top 10, but it's definitely up there.



This makes the top 10 as well:



There are others too that I don't quite feel like getting into. I do feel like getting into making things again though. Maybe I'll glue together my own pinata... right now I think I'd even be satisfied with a miniature ski lodge built from lincoln logs.

dogma style

I can't believe I just ate pudding and blueberries for lunch. It's too hot to cook. I'm too broke to eat out.
I'm going to Denver next week.
I might get a job within the next few weeks (don't worry - it won't be anything TOO exciting).
I might also (depending on how much money I have) take a trip down to North Carolina in a few weeks.

My day is sunny today, but my room is a mess and there's not near enough light in here. I still need to paint my walls.
Does anyone want to help me paint my walls?

As for the article below: Yes, I know, consider the source. But the source's source must also be considered. Elisabeth - I figured you would especially be interested in this.

****

Salty dogma

Bono gives an explicit confession of being saved by Grace, not Karma | by Gene Edward Veith


Is Bono, the lead singer and songwriter for the rock group U2, a Christian? He says he is and writes about Christianity in his lyrics. Yet many people question whether Bono is "really" a Christian, due to his notoriously bad language, liberal politics, and rock star antics (though he has been faithfully married for 23 years). But in a new book of interviews, Bono in Conversation by Michka Assayas, Bono, though using some salty language, makes an explicit confession of faith.

The interviewer, Mr. Assayas, begins by asking Bono, Doesn't he think "appalling things" happen when people become religious? Bono counters, "It's a mind-blowing concept that the God who created the Universe might be looking for company, a real relationship with people, but the thing that keeps me on my knees is the difference between Grace and Karma."

The interviewer asks, What's that? "At the center of all religions is the idea of Karma. You know, what you put out comes back to you: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, or in physics—in physical laws—every action is met by an equal or an opposite one," explains Bono. "And yet, along comes this idea called Grace to upend all that. . . . Love interrupts, if you like, the consequences of your actions, which in my case is very good news indeed, because I've done a lot of stupid stuff."

The interviewer asks, Like what? "That's between me and God. But I'd be in big trouble if Karma was going to finally be my judge," says Bono. "It doesn't excuse my mistakes, but I'm holding out for Grace. I'm holding out that Jesus took my sins onto the Cross, because I know who I am, and I hope I don't have to depend on my own religiosity."

Then the interviewer marvels, "The Son of God who takes away the sins of the world. I wish I could believe in that."

"The point of the death of Christ is that Christ took on the sins of the world, so that what we put out did not come back to us, and that our sinful nature does not reap the obvious death," replies Bono. "It's not our own good works that get us through the gates of Heaven."

The interviewer marvels some more: "That's a great idea, no denying it. Such great hope is wonderful, even though it's close to lunacy, in my view. Christ has His rank among the world's great thinkers. But Son of God, isn't that farfetched?"

Bono comes back, "Look, the secular response to the Christ story always goes like this: He was a great prophet, obviously a very interesting guy, had a lot to say along the lines of other great prophets, be they Elijah, Muhammad, Buddha, or Confucius. But actually Christ doesn't allow you that. He doesn't let you off that hook. Christ says, No. I'm not saying I'm a teacher, don't call me teacher. I'm not saying I'm a prophet. I'm saying: 'I'm the Messiah.' I'm saying: 'I am God incarnate.' . . . So what you're left with is either Christ was who He said He was—the Messiah—or a complete nutcase. . . . The idea that the entire course of civilization for over half of the globe could have its fate changed and turned upside-down by a nutcase, for me that's farfetched."

What is most interesting in this exchange is the reaction of the interviewer, to whom Bono is, in effect, witnessing. This hip rock journalist starts by scorning what he thinks is Christianity. But it is as if he had never heard of grace, the atonement, the deity of Christ, the gospel. And he probably hadn't. But when he hears what Christianity is actually all about, he is amazed.[]


Currently listening :
Satanic Panic in the Attic
By Of Montreal
Release date: By 06 April, 2004

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

some things that aren't so bad for you

"My most recent faith struggle is not one of intellect. I don't really do that anymore. Sooner or later you just figure out there are some [people] who don't believe in God and they can prove He doesn't exist, and some other [people] who do believe in God and they can prove He does exists, and the argument stopped being about God a long time ago and now it's about who is smarter, and honestly I don't care. I don't believe I will ever walk away from God for intellectual reasons. Who knows anything anyway? If I walk away from Him, and please pray that I never do, I will walk away for social reasons, identity reasons, deep emotional reasons, the same reasons that any of us do anything."

-Donald Miller


I really really do love this... I really do.
Yes. I'm still reading it. If I weren't also reading 6 other books right now, I could be finishing it a lot sooner.

Currently reading :
Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality
By Donald Miller
Release date: By 17 July, 2003

Saturday, July 30, 2005

and

just when I thought I had seen and heard it all Curves continues to amaze me and to accomplish the unthinkable...
What is the unthinkable you ask? Well, doing what ought never be done, but just now the pinnacle was reached when I heard the techno remix of Faith Hill's "This Kiss".

Next time I'm bringing glow sticks with me.

Currently listening :
X&Y
By Coldplay
Release date: By 07 June, 2005

hold me closer, tony danza

:: written on 07/28, posted on 07/29 ::

And so it is (as Damien Rice would sing) that I am here, sitting, drinking, and writing.

I’ve spent most of my time here in the District of Columbia reading – and not with any specific structure.
I read a paragraph.
I take a sip of wine.
I stop and think for what seems to be a moment but is actually several minutes.
I read the same paragraph again, and take another sip of wine.

Alejandra is blow drying her hair in the bathroom, but she stops for a second to holler at me to help her find her other shoe. I shake my head in disdain as I imagine the piles and piles of clothing on the floor of her closet and beneath that, an even larger pile of shoes in no amount of order whatsoever. For some reason I obediently walk to the closet and begin crawling through the massive mound of laundry and footwear in search of a single black sandal. She interrupts me with a thought: “Oh! It’s probably underneath the couch!”
I dutifully make my way to the sofa and humbly, down on my hands and knees, locate the missing sandal. I’m only slightly shocked.
“How could you have even known that it was under there?”
But with the blow dryer running at full blast, I receive no answer and go back to the bed to read.

Tori Amos is playing over the stereo system.

Alejandra is getting ready for a date and she’s nervous – nervous like I’ve never seen her before. She asked me at least 13 times if she looked alright. She insisted that her face was too shiny and that she was sweating too much.
In her anxiousness even this morning, she was inspired to bake a pie. Of course, this idea was slightly born out of spite toward none other than me. Her kitchen, being approximately the size of a small walk-in closet, is nearly impossible to do anything in and I would imagine most frustrating to someone like Alejandra, a person of great culinary knowledge and ability. So as she was doing dishes this morning she randomly announced that she felt like baking a pie. It was 10:30 in the morning. We had just both finished our breakfast of instant oatmeal. I wasn’t sure right then what had brought on the urge, but I immediately muttered that it would be near impossible to bake a pie in that teeny tiny kitchen – especially while there were still last night’s dishes stacked to unmentionable heights on the 7-inch-wide stretch of available countertop. Alejandra, smelling both doubt and a challenge, nodded her head smugly and pulled the previously rolled pie crust out of the refrigerator and promised me a pie that “tastes like sex”. Her will is definitely stronger than my doubts and I had no reservations from that point on that within the next hour or two she would produce a masterpiece that would indeed taste like sex. If nothing else, the pie would at least work to eliminate the stench in her apartment that, despite our many efforts, continued to greet us upon each re-entrance.

I arrived in DC on Tuesday evening with great fanfare as Alejandra seemed to turn up missing. I had been calling her since I entered the city limits somewhere around 7:20 PM. I effortlessly navigated through Capitol Hill and arrived in her neighborhood of Dupont Circle in a mere 15 minutes, all the while calling her every few minutes to let her know that I would be there soon. I received no answer on any of these calls and was growing annoyed. I made it to her apartment and managed to (miraculously) find a parking spot on her block. She still was not answering the phone.

Argh.

The trouble could have been fixed if I could have properly remembered her damn room number. I was certain it was 517, but couldn’t really be sure without talking to her. I buzzed room 517 at the main door and was met with an answering machine that didn’t really sound like Alejandra. I tried 417 and received no answer at all. 317 was the wrong person altogether and they weren’t too embarrassed to make me feel like an idiot for making the mistake.

At this point, I was unnerved. I had called our mutual friends to see if they had heard from her at all. They had not and furthermore thought her a bitch for leaving me stranded outsider her apartment building for the past 30 minutes.

I was growing weary of buzzing people’s apartment only to be met with disappointment. I didn’t want to try another door. So I finally, after 45 minutes or so, decided to meet the rest of the gang in sucky Georgetown for drinks and then, if I still never heard from Alejandra, would simply spend the night on Jeremy’s couch. Truth is it told I was relatively concerned about Alejandra. I mean, she had done these sorts of things before and it generally always turned out to be something silly, but this was a bit much. She was supposed to have been home two hours earlier and she knew what time I was coming into town. She didn’t seem to be home, and she wasn’t answering her phone at all (by this time, I had called approximately 14 or 15 times and left 4 messages).
I was wearing pajamas and had to actually change in my car, parked on the street, so that I could meet the kids in Georgetown.
It was at this point that Alejandra caught me, literally, with my pants down.
I didn’t even see her coming, but there she was, knocking frantically on my passenger side window.
“What the HELL are you doing?!”
I jumped (as much as one can jump while positioned awkwardly beneath a steering wheel).
I leaned over and opened the door.
“Bitch! Where have you been?!”
She laughed and I immediately felt that it was I who had been the idiot all along.
Alejandra HAD been in her apartment, room 617, waiting for me to arrive for the past several hours. Why hadn’t she answered her phone? Oh, well, it’s broken… completely. The hard drive has completely shut down and the screen no longer displays a festive wallpaper and digital time, but instead a solid blue screen with indecipherable white writing. It won’t even shut off. If you pop out the battery and turn it back on, the blue screen comes right back.

Yes, only Alejandra.

Minutes later, I was entering her apartment (number 617, as you recall).
“It’s a little bit of a mess…”
I was used to hearing these words from Alejandra, and they were so familiar that they were nearly welcomed, not just tolerated.
But… well, I’m not sure if it’s just that I simply never noticed before, or if it’s that it never really bothered me before. Perhaps I had grown intolerance for filth and stench – two things that I maybe had a tolerance for previously. I’m not sure what the case was, but nothing prepared me for her apartment.

The smell… oh, it was something to experience. I can’t even quite put my finger (or nose) on it, but it must have been a mixture of the two bags of trash, open, sitting on the main room floor waiting to be closed up and taken to the garbage chute, along with the newly added litter box for her kitten, Anais; along with the kitchen sink and countertops piled high with dishes (still adorned with food) from the previous three days.
She had done laundry, last week, but the bags of folded clothing still sat, torn into and rummaged through, on the floor near the front door, clothing spilling out from the ripped openings.
The floor near the kitchen was littered with spots of water and kibble from Anais’ dish. The kitchen floor, in addition to playing host to several small heaps of garbage absent of a bag (opened cans of either tomatoes or pineapple chunks, banana peels, garlic clove shavings, used plastic bags, and juice bottles that may or may not have still had juice in them) looked as though it had not been swept or properly cleaned in at least 3 months. A smashed martini glass sat on the floor near the bed amidst 6 months’ worth of dust bunnies and dirt. Her bed table was crowded with books, junk mail, a laptop, and no less than 5 glasses with varying levels of beverage still in them along with several stray and helpless looking earrings and hair pins. The surface of the coffee table was completely filled – not with magazines and books, but with several bowls encrusted with artichoke and spinach dip, salsa, and some other unknown substance from last week’s party. There were quite a few glasses sitting empty as well. Several empty or semi-empty wine bottles occupied almost every square-inch of unfilled space left in the apartment – several of the empty ones had gobs of candle wax melted around the sides of them. Whatever space was left after all of this was a place where clothing had been absent-mindedly thrown; piles of clothing were positively everywhere. All of this was covered in a quarter inch of dust.

Oh goodness.

I couldn’t bring myself to touch the kitchen, but I did spend my first morning in DC cleaning, if for no other reason than that I couldn’t stand to spend the next three or four days in this mess. I had just dropped Alejandra at her baby-sitting job in Georgetown and gone to Curves (bless my soul. Aren’t I GOOD?!) and decided that I couldn’t take to spend that much time in this disastrous mess. So I cleaned… and if I do say so myself, did an amazing job. I spent the rest of the day reading The Devil in the White City, feeling proud of my handiwork. Alejandra was proud too – called me a “damn good houseguest”. Yeah, I am, aren’t I?

***

I love the District… I really do. I dream about moving back here to a row house on Capitol Hill. As I drove into the city on Tuesday night, I had visions of walking home from the office, the summer wrapped around me in sunshine and flower beds… the houses are so beautiful on Capitol Hill, even the ones that I can afford to live in. I do really miss it sometimes. I don’t know that I would want to raise a family here, but it would be great to live here again for a time.

Alejandra lives in Dupont Circle, but she lives most specifically right smack in the midst of Embassy Row. The area is absolutely gorgeous. Flags from all over the world hang proudly from all the different structures, each representing well the country whose name it bears. Parking is impossible on Embassy row, but it’s almost worth it to live here. My dear friend dropped and broke the bottle of shiraz that we chipped in together to purchase last night for dinner (we’re both very very poor and decided to splurge on this one liter bottle of $11 shiraz) the moment that we walked through her apartment door in what seemed to be a very dramatic and depressing event. We sat on the floor near her couch just staring forlornly at the puddle of vino – it looked as though we had just murdered someone without planning on how to clean up the mess. She sent me out to buy a new bottle at the bodega at the end of her block.

As I walked down the street I experienced, for the first time, a yellow sky. Do you know that old Rogers and Hammerstein play South Pacific? Do you remember the song that she sings?

“When the sky is a bright canary yellow…”

I had never experienced that. And this sky, well it wasn’t exactly a canary yellow, more of a 20 year-old piece of paper yellow, or a somewhat dirty dishwater kind of yellow, but it was yellow nonetheless. I loved it. I instantly thought of the song and couldn’t resist singing as I walked, that is until I saw someone sitting in their doorway… I stopped and he stared. I smiled because I didn’t know what else to do. I had just been caught singing Rogers and Hammerstein slightly off-key. What is a girl to do?

***

Alejandra and I had lunch with Church boy Nathan this afternoon at Chipotle. I had never experienced the eatery before and Alejandra seemed amazed.

The burritos… well, they’re the fattest little burritos you’ve ever seen in your life. Sort of like a little baby. It was unreal.

Man… it was tasty though. Alejandra and I were too cheap to buy a drink, so we got tap water and loaded it up with lime slices and sweet ‘n’ low, making our own limeade. Tasty.

I was amused by the napkins, considering we had just discussed the fatness and baby-likeness of the burritos. It was altogether too much (to borrow a phrase from Gregory). See pictures below please.



***

And so this brings me to now… sipping vino while Alejandra is out on her date at Fuddruckers (it was her idea – and they DO have the best pump cheese I’ve ever tasted in my life). Tori Amos has long since ended and I’m listening to old classic Italian folk songs. I just got off the phone with church boy Nathan and we made plans to go see a matinee tomorrow afternoon. I’m leaving shortly to visit my old stomping grounds on capitol hill with all the merry CRNCsters… I really do miss this city sometimes, but right now I miss my family, and New Jersey, and Gregory, and Culver Lake.

I was in love with the idea of coming to DC and staying all week, but right now I’m in love with the idea of going home and putting things back in their place.

This has been a bit of a vacation, from myself more than anything, but I’m ready to go home. I felt muddled yesterday, but today I feel crazily at peace. Maybe it was the yellow sky, or the vino, or the almond pie, or the burritos as big as my head… I’m not sure what it was, perhaps just God alone… but I’m feeling at peace. I like that. I haven’t felt it in a long time.

The district will not sleep alone tonight.
I am here.

I wonder if Alejandra will bring me back any of that amazing pump cheese…


Currently reading :
The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America
By Erik Larson
Release date: By 10 February, 2004

Saturday, July 23, 2005

jew see

The glass doors seem to generate a gentle hum as I walk past, the colors slowly moving by, unfocused... I don't pay attention. There are too many choices to pay attention to.
I blindly grab one, two, three bottles from the shelves and move forward to the register, the condensation sweating from my arms as though it were my own.
This is my second trip to 7-Eleven so far today and I'm wanting the bottle of fruit punch gatorade in my hand so badly that I'm willing to open it and take a few sips before I even get to the register.

Last night's party... well, I just realized at some point today that I posted a blog last night. I don't really remember. I remember everything, just not little things (such as posting absurd blogs that make little to no sense).
Somehow, amazingly, I managed to pull myself out of bed this morning at 9:30 and haul behind back down to Whitehouse Station (from the lake) for my first appointment at Curves... imagine that. I belong to a "gym".
Sort of.
I joined for my mother, actually. She needs to move again and this is the only way I see her doing it. So if she needs the moral support, I'm there for her.
I bounced and hopped around to techno remixes of "let's get physical" and "what i like about you" for a good 45 minutes. I felt like shit, but it was actually good. I need to move again too. I hate the gym with a flaming fiery passion and I know that there's no way I would ever go - I much prefer the atmosphere of Curves. There's something about little old ladies and young Christian moms that just makes me want to MOVE IT. Dig?

Regardless, now I have tons of work to do and Sal is taking Amanda and me out on his boat this afternoon.

Tony turns 21 on Monday. Too bad he wasn't 21 during the course or Swiss Auto Club. It would have been really great for him to come to more shows.

And I'm going to be an Aunt... again. And yet again after that. Crazy, isn't it?

Currently reading :
Magical Thinking : True Stories
By Augusten Burroughs
Release date: By 05 October, 2004

Friday, July 22, 2005

apricot

is this real, or am i dreaming?
It's very unclear.
sometimes it feels like I've been asleep for a long, long time.
other times it feels like I haven't missed a beat.

Currently listening :
Like a Prayer
By Madonna
Release date: By 25 October, 1990

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

fascination street

I had a dream last night. In fact, I had several dreams - the kind when one merges flawlessly into the next. Except, well, really it's only flawless in dream world. In the real world there is no way that it could be flawless, for it's simply far too bizarre.
Serial killer lockdown, right into barbecue with over-zealous volunteers grilling hamburgers the size of your head, right into conservative Christian home-school convention with familiar faces lurking in the most unexpected places... all taking place in the same house: the very house that I inadvertently fell asleep in last night while haphazardly pretending to watch a movie (but really ruminating... oh, that thing that I promise myself and pray to God that I will be rid of very very soon).

Serial killer lockdown ended as frantically as it started. I was hysterical, obsessive even as I bolted doors and boarded windows all over this house. He was loose and he was coming to get ME.
Sadly, tragically, awfully, horribly, it wasn't just one - it was many, and it could have been anyone. Anyone with that certain look in their eye.
The dream eventually lead to me purchasing a pistol (withough a license, mind you) and shooting my darling little brother three times in the chest, sending him into eternity.

No sooner was it that I had shot him that his wounds faded and we were at a barbecue together, Lisa and Todd Bourke (the over-zealous volunteers) were grilling the most monstrous hamburgers I had ever seen. All I wanted was dessert but all I could get were burgers the size of Baltimore. There was something to do with water too and somehow, the backyard become flooded and a few people nearly drowned.

The flood waters receded and beneath it lied the rear-end of a Weis Markets (doubling as an expo center) hosting a conservative Christian home-school convention. I wandered around from booth to booth amongst women wearing headcoverings and gently pushing incredibly well-behaved babies in strollers that looked as though they had seen at least a dozen diaper bottomed babies before this one. All the women and girls wore long skirts and button-down short sleeved blouses, I wore a tank top, flip flops and a denim skirt that came just to the knee. Most of the men were unattractive and I was bored but intrigued; bored because I've seen this scene a million times before, but intrigued because they do seem happy and... well, they don't seem like they necessarily have it all figured out, but they're comfortable with the fact that they don't, knowing that at some point they will.

I bumped into familiar faces and for some reason felt mildly ashamed for my seemingly inappropriate attire. I bumped into Kim LaMantia, a girl I knew from the training center in Indianapolis and she congratulated me for my "short skirt", laughing half mockingly and half envious. I don't think I've ever felt more strongly that I didn't belong somewhere but that I ought to.
I approached the back doors of the "expo center" and saw dozens of protesters outside. They carried signs and shouted indecipherable outcries at the closed doors in front of them. One woman held a basket of fruit and vegetables that appeared fresh and threw them harshly at the doors. Others around her picked up the produce that bounced back to the ground and threw them again. There was a lot of hate... and that really struck me. These people, as much as I sympathize with their feelings of someone else telling them what is right and wrong, or telling them to feel guilty, or telling them to worship this God, or abide by this rule... as much as I had sympathy for them, I was completely and utterly abhored of them. The people surrounding me inside were peaceful, polite, giving, loving... simply choosing curriculum for their children and enjoying the fellowship with other people of like sentiment. They were not actively telling anyone how to live outside of maybe their children - which is a whole other argument.

Hatred is such an incredibly horrible thing, on any side of the fence. I woke up disturbed that any human being could hate another human being so strongly simply for doing what they honestly believe to be the right thing.
It goes for conservatives too, who happen to be pretty spiteful as well.

For a second, I wanted desperately to be outside with those protesters just to infiltrate. I wanted to show them that someone like me, with my beliefs, can be an understanding and nurturing person who cares about others' opinions, religions, political leanings, and lifestyle choices.

Waking up this morning I realize that this is a lot of my problem. In my efforts to make everyone happy, I really just piss everyone off. The irony, eh?

This is the first dream I've actually remembered upon waking up in awhile. I think that it means I'm sleeping better, which is a tremendous relief.

**

I'm hoping for sunshine through and through today and tomorrow. I'm grasping for straws, but I want low low humidity levels. I want a blue sky. I want clouds, but only a few puffy ones. I want... clarity in its 100% most all-encompassing form.

I wanna dance with somebody, and feel the heat with somebody.

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Currently listening :
Disintegration
By The Cure
Release date: By 01 May, 1989

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

orange and red make nothing at all

So this is the afterlife. Or, maybe this is just life at all.
Being at home. Cecilia watching re-runs of Stargate SG-1, my father running his receipts through Quickbooks, each strike of the return key yielding a cheerful "cha-ching!".
And me. Sitting at the computer. Eating a dish of canned mandarin oranges.

Did the dogwood tree blossom yet this year?
Yeah. About a month ago. You missed it.

These days my eyelids flutter open somewhere around 12 noon and I take a moment to decide whether or not I really want to get out of bed.
**It feels nice to sleep again.**

Somewhere in my daily tasks someone has asked me the date.
The date? THE DATE?! Good heavens, what's the DAY?
And then it dawns on me: it has been two weeks since Election Day. Two whole weeks. Ho hum....
It is then that I think of all the email left unanswered, all the phone messages left untouched. I try to think when it was that I stopped going to church, or paying bills, or eating at home. When was it that I stopped booking shows or stopped calling friends to wish them a Happy Friday? I have no idea. I just know that it feels like forever. It feels like I never did it to begin with.

Election Day can be miserable if you really let yourself think about it. I hadn't let myself think at all about it. Truthfully though? Well, I was hopeful, confident even that Bret would win. The General Election was a different story, but the Primary was most certainly ours, I was convinced.

The numbers weren't looking good and it killed me to walk around that place still smiling for our volunteers and supporters. Every single one of those people there must have asked me at least once "how are we doing?"
I smiled and told them that it was too soon to know, but we just found out that we won Union County, so that must be good.

I was sitting at a table with Gregory and Howard when Tim walked by. I caught his arm and asked, "how goes it, kiddo?"
We'd been through so many losses together, he knew exactly what I was asking.
"You get up the next morning, you put on your pants one leg at a time and you get back to work. Just like every morning. Just like after Mike lost."
I turned away because i didn't want Greg to see my face. My lower lip was taking the brunt of the evening as I chewed it in fervent worry.

The back room, the "war" room had been off limits to most people save the campaign manager, the candidate and his family, our attorneys (Tim included) and Amanda for most of the evening. It was Phyllis who came and got me.
"Amanda wants to see you. Just you."

That's when I knew. This election night was over. We had lost.
Two years of work...

The day after a losing election day is a funny thing. Everyone gathers at some point during the day at the office, but they're not really certain why. There's nothing to do there. We are the losers. The reporters that were chomping at the bit to get our attention yesterday look at all of us as though we were street urchins begging for money today.
I hid out in my office and could hear a million and one conversations flying around me. The tears, the apologies to broken volunteers, the sound of people (already!) tearing things off their office walls, the finger-pointing... OH the finger-pointing! The blaming! The surety that this is all the fault of Steve Lonegan. The accusations that if Rick Shaftan weren't a crazed lunatic this wouldn't have happened. The insistance that if all the other candidates knew what was better for the party then Bret surely would have won... oh there is so much blame!

We blame others because it feels better. We point fingers because we do not even want to begin to imagine that this is for a lack of our efforts. We worked so hard. We neglected family, and friends, and sleep, and food, and our health. We worked 90, 100, and 120 hour weeks. We garnered speeding tickets and parking tickets and left our court dates ignored, yielding us grossly large surcharges on our insurance. We ignored symptoms of strep throat, and stomach flu, and pink eye, and God knows what else. We drove our car into the ground and when that broke down, we borrowed our brother's car without even stopping for a breath just to get the job done on time. No, the thought of it being because our our lack of effort almost hurts more. So instead, we blame. And we concoct crazy schemes to run a write-in campaign for the fall when in reality we'll all vote for Doug Forrester. Maybe some of us will even work for him.

So... all of this is past. All of this happened within the last two weeks.
And now I write a public apology for something that is eating at me and hurting me even now.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for neglecting you. I'm not ignoring you. I am hurt. And I'm hurt that I've made others feel the same way. I've made a mess and I'm trying to clean it up, I'm just doing a very poor job of it.
Please forgive me. And please continue to care for me.

Man... what does it take to get a drink in this town?

Currently listening :
Odelay
By Beck
Rele

Monday, June 06, 2005

(grand)pre(prix)me

And I've spent all this time not thinking about tomorrow, not thinking at all about the polls, or the news reports, or the negative campaigning, or the online political blogs, or the direct mail pieces, or... well, anything really. I haven't paid attention to a damn thing. I've completely removed myself from election day, or this campaign, or my candidate so that I would not feel the anxiety that I'm feeling right now.
I've done my work.
I've filed my legal reports.
I've talked to the powers that be and have completely ignored my pending doom.

I've been working for two years on this damned campaign. If we don't win, I really am at a loss. I can handle not winning in November more than I can handle not winning this nomination.

So amidst all my worry and angst today, I have found moments of complete joy and comfort. The sound of the pounding rain on the roof of my office. It seems so stupid. It seems as though I'm making an effort to be poetic. Poetic I am not. I'm also not deaf. That sound... it washes away positively everything. It's quite extraordinary.

I'm sitting here at my desk now preparing my last legal report (to be delivered to Trenton tomorrow by 12 noon) and I"m drinking a Blue Moon Belgian Ale. They say that drinking on the job is the true sign of an alcoholic... I'm in deep trouble. I don't think I've ever worked anywhere where we didn't all drink on the job.

Tomorrow I could shed a tear or drink a toast. Hopefully I'll be doing both, but all in good spirits.

Remember to vote (if you give a damn).

And I did have a moment of zen today... it was pretty terrific too:



I love volunteers who bring in pets with them. His name is Murphy, and today he is nearly all that thrills my soul (besides Jesus, of course).

Currently listening :
Final Straw
By Snow Patrol
Release date: By 30 March, 2004

Saturday, June 04, 2005

hydrangea

such a fun word, eh?? not really a fun flower though.

So here it is, my moment of zen today!!!



Spotted this today while driving around Jersey City collecting signatures for public matching funds. It made my day.

Currently listening :
The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust (EMI) [ENHANCED CD]
By David Bowie
Release date: By 28 September, 1999

Friday, June 03, 2005

5 days (that's all we got)

Schundler TV Spot

I love the wave at the end. Everyone looks like rock stars.
This is SUCH a political ad and I love (almost) every minute of it.

Who wants Moe to keep her job (I realize that some of you do not want me to keep my job, but I have bills, so cut me a break)??
If you do, then get to the polls and vote this Tuesday. Maybe I'll see you there...

Currently listening :
The Bravery
By The Bravery
Release date: By 29 March, 2005

Sunday, May 15, 2005

I am...

... relieved.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

long-haired freaky people need not apply

I wanted to feel special for a brief moment, and when Andy and Susan called me into their office and I had to ask what the sign on their door meant ("Long-haired freaky people need not apply), I was devastated to learn that they had such high hopes that, if no one else, I (me, moe, that's right) would at least understand what the phrase meant.

Drat. Angelene and Amanda got it. I didn't get it. It had to be explained.

So, I'm still wanting to feel special. I'm still wanting to feel great. I'm still wanting to feel... well, not in the spotlight at all. I don't want to be gushed over. I just want to feel like I've accomplished something really cool. I'm still idealistic. I'm still in my mid-twenties, so I can afford to lay on my back beneath an open sky and day dream about these sorts of things.
Truth be it told, I feel as though anyone, no matter what the age, should be able to afford this sort of activity.

I work with Phyllis. Phyllis is all shades of cool. She takes me shooting every now and again at the shooting range down by her house where she is a ladies' instructor and a top member. She obtained her under graduate degree not too long ago. She recently walked away from a 20 year career to get a start in politics. Five years ago, Phyllis learned to drive a stick shift so that she could get her new car with a sunroof at a cheaper price. Every now and again I catch Phyllis rambling off on a tangent about wanting to skydive or take an impromptu trip to Florence. Phyllis just turned 64.

I'll bet Phyllis still lies on her back beneath an open sky, imagining what she'd like to do next.

I'm excited and scared for the next thing. It's crazy to be scared of what I'm capable of. Absolutely crazy.

I am kind of crazy though...

26 days until Election Day. If we don't win, I'm in big trouble.

Currently listening :
In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
By Neutral Milk Hotel
Release date: By 10 February, 1998

Thursday, April 21, 2005

today

how many rounds of "I'm so sorry" can they absorb, can they tolerate before it sounds like someone is screaming in their ears? before it becomes fingernails being scratched down a chalkboard?

how many tears can possibly be shed, or prayers offered, or hugs given? how many tablets of valium must you consume to maintain this demeanor? how many times can you vomit from the illness of it all before there's absolutely nothing left to vomit?

the sound of wailing over a child lost is absolutely unprecedented.

his mother gains her composure just for another person to face her in line. she throws herself into their open arms - there are nothing but open arms everywhere to be thrown into.
"yes! this person, they understand. they know. yes, this person will feel my pain, will absorb this incredible sadness..."
until she realizes that she must compose herself yet again for the next pair of open arms. the next kiss on the forehead. the next "I'm so sorry".

the framed prints on the west wall are hung out of alignment and the mixed cd coming from the sound system is regurgitating instrumental arrangements of cheesy, early 90's easy listening hits. the wind beneath my wings didn't send barbara hershey to a happy grave and it doesn't seem to be helping much now either.

my uncle grabbed my hand and wouldn't let go. tears soaked his entire face and continued to flow, but he didn't really seem to care who saw.
"you kids need to slow down. you all just need to slow down."
it's the sort of comment that you would expect to hear in a condescending voice and half-joking. but he was not joking. and his words were not condescending. this was a warning, and from a man who knew the pain of losing someone who didn't slow down, who didn't listen to his body (or his friends that night), and who didn't live to tell about it.
i turned away, not wanting him to see me cry and not really knowing what to say in response.

I only saw Skylee on my way out. she hugged me and all i can remember thinking about was the feeling of her tears - so many of them - on my arm and shoulder. she showed me a framed picture of her and alex.
"this was our last picture. it was taken saturday night, about two hours before..."
and i was thinking that two hours later everything in her life changed. how could this picture, with the huge smiles and affectionate touch have been taken only two hours before his life was extinguished? it's amazing to me.
while i was reading, and on the phone, and while cecilia was playing pool, and while jc was at the diner, while my parents were sleeping, and while his parents were enjoying one of their last nights in cozumel... while we were living, he was dying.

and i think about these sorts of things, and they drive me crazy.

i am a fool.
i am careless.
i am... deeply saddened right now.
and i think it takes a lot for me to admit that.