Wednesday, February 23, 2005


I used to have an instructor in my counseling courses, Jerry Benjamin, who constantly addressed us, the entire class, as "Beloved". He could be looking all around the room, eyes focused on nothing, but focused on me, locked on my eyes, all at once. He had the amazing ability to speak to a room full of people (all 52 of us in this instance), but still speak to just me, only me.

He was a Messianic Jew (we can all discuss the complexities and questions about this at another time), and had the most amazing stories to tell. He captured my attention then and the mere memory of his classes continues to do so now.

Admittedly, I had the hugest crush on him... not in the sort of way that you would think though. It wasn't THAT kind of crush; it was more of an intellectual crush, admiration really. I admired him a great deal.

His method of referring to us as "Beloved" added such a graceful and innocent intimacy to the entire experience... I can't really describe it, but it was a great feeling; the best week of concentrated study that I had during the entire eight week course, for certain.

I believe it's the little things that drive us, that motivate us to do our finest and be our best. The random day-to-day, smallish words, phrases, and gestures cause us to want to be the best person we can possibly be. Right? Yes? No? I don't know what I'm talking about (?).

No... I do know what I'm talking about. Sort of.

"You're the greatest!" makes me want to actually BE the greatest. That is truth.


There's a back room here at the office that we use mainly for storage - not many venture back there for much more than taking out the trash. My boss was giving a tour this afternoon to a visitor, an old friend of both the candidate and staff who stopped in today to say hello. I heard a commotion outside my office door during this tour and stepped out to see what the hustle and bustle was all about. There they were: five or six staff people, plus our guest, standing at the entrance to the storage room. All of them had a look on their faces... disbelief? astonishment? confusion? worry? fear? Don't know. They all had a look though. I asked sal what the problem was.

"There's some guy sleeping in our storage room. Some homeless guy perhaps? I don't know who this person is!"

All of them exchanged glances as if to say "Will Bret Schundler be considered a jerk if we kick a homeless guy out of our storage room?"

I peeked in the room.

"Ummm... that's Josh. You know, your Central NJ Field director's 17 year-old son?"

My job could be more difficult, but I kind of like it just where it is, you know?

Currently listening :
Dial M for Monkey
By Bonobo
Release date: By 17 June, 2003

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

postage paid

I can feel the light heat reaching up from my neck to my face, and eventually to my hairline... the itching, insatiable as it is, buckles most of the time to my stubborness, but not today. Today the hives are back in full force, and although it could be blamed partially upon the fact that I did not take my magic pill last night, I happen to have 827 million things on my brain right now, outside of work, and I think that this time, these hives just might be stress related.

Every now and again I feel the need to be human (some have suggested that I'm part robot, others that I'm part primate... it's all still up for debate); I get the urge to FEEL, and to DO, and to cry if that's what the situation calls for - even if it's really not what the situation calls for at all.

Crying for the sheer sake of remembering what tears feel like.

Every now and again I don't like wanting what I can't have, or, more accurately, not having what I want.

Every now and again, something begins to consume my mind and there's no shaking it into resolve. There's no releasing it from my mind... at least, not easily. It's quite stuck, in fact, and part of me doesn't want to shake it into resolve anyway.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

I say it over and over again to myself, as I argue with God for what I want and struggle with the very nature of my humanity. Oh (sometimes) to actually be a robot and just be able to accomplish without feeling. Curse free will and its irrational behavior!

But then, I don't really mean that... no, not at all.
Not even a little bit.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

matlock's clue (and speciality part II)

Again, I have failed to realize the importance of having a significant other on a specific holiday.

Everyone needs to chill out -Valentine's Day is merely an excuse to wear red and spend lots of money. I hold no cynicism toward valentine's day - simple neutrality at best. It's ok if you don't have someone. Really. you're great on your own (or with a side of grilled vegetables).

Admittedly, I completely forgot about Valentine's Day this morning until Greg came into the office with caramel apples for Amanda and I, bidding us a festive holiday.

Oh! oh... ummm, yes. Happy Valentimes Day to you as well. When do we get to drink green beer again??

In honor of St. Valentine's Day, Gregory made the keen observation that ours is most likely the most under-sexed staff in all of history. This has nothing to do with being Republican, I assure you. Simply something to do with everyone being over-worked and slightly crazy - which one might be lead to believe would equal more sex... I'm no scientist, but somehow it simply does not work out that way. I'm going to skip the remainder of conversation involving my co-workers and sex. I don't assume that anyone really wanted to hear about it anyhow.

There really is no specialty, Part II. I totally made it up. I went to DC, had a killer birthday, ate lots of gourmet food, slept in, went to brunch, searched for an hour for my beloved flip flops at Alejandra's apartment (only to find out later that they had been stolen by a party guest the night before) and then drove back up to New Jersey. There was nothing particularly special about it - certainly not sequel quality. Of course, spending time with the GWU crowd always turns out to be special. I don't know many 21 year-olds that would pull off a party quite like that.
There were high heels and cigarette holders,
there were dozens of fine wines and a rather expensive birthday toast,
the guys wore their good shoes
Will baked a cake
and Nathan got the urge to do all the dishes somewhere around 2AM...
It was nice.

So that was then, and this is now. Now is Valentine's Day. A day when St. Valentine rolls over in his grave as he watches millions of dollars being spent to say what could an should be said with a hug, a kiss, a note, a phone call.
We're so silly, eh? For as lazy as humans are, we're often taking on far more responsibility than is actually necessary. I know my brother just spent $100+ for dinner with some chick that he proclaims to be "a nice girl".

Give me a choice and I'll choose a hug over $100 comestibles anyday.

Currently listening :
By Arcade Fire
Release date: By 14 September, 2004