Tuesday, February 22, 2005

postage paid

I can feel the light heat reaching up from my neck to my face, and eventually to my hairline... the itching, insatiable as it is, buckles most of the time to my stubborness, but not today. Today the hives are back in full force, and although it could be blamed partially upon the fact that I did not take my magic pill last night, I happen to have 827 million things on my brain right now, outside of work, and I think that this time, these hives just might be stress related.

Every now and again I feel the need to be human (some have suggested that I'm part robot, others that I'm part primate... it's all still up for debate); I get the urge to FEEL, and to DO, and to cry if that's what the situation calls for - even if it's really not what the situation calls for at all.

Crying for the sheer sake of remembering what tears feel like.

Every now and again I don't like wanting what I can't have, or, more accurately, not having what I want.

Every now and again, something begins to consume my mind and there's no shaking it into resolve. There's no releasing it from my mind... at least, not easily. It's quite stuck, in fact, and part of me doesn't want to shake it into resolve anyway.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

I say it over and over again to myself, as I argue with God for what I want and struggle with the very nature of my humanity. Oh (sometimes) to actually be a robot and just be able to accomplish without feeling. Curse free will and its irrational behavior!

But then, I don't really mean that... no, not at all.
Not even a little bit.

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