I'm a little worried.
I fear that I might have fellen into the habit of breaking habits only to form them all over again.
I find myself getting better only to fall ill once again, and again, and again.
It could just be the Jersey Fresh air that I breathe in on a daily basis, but my suspicions point to something a little larger.
God's faithfulness astounds and escapes me all at the same time - that, in and of itself, is pretty damn amazing. One day it can rescue me completely and 100 percent, only leaving me to crave more, causing me to desire a rescuing of not merely 100 percent, but of 150 or even 200 percent.
I want a cushion. I want not to have to depend on the blessings of my parents. I want my own apartment. I want to be able to properly furnish that apartment. I want to travel to London and possibly Ireland. I want a new car - a Saab 93. I want that gorgeous medallion strapless dress from Anthropologie and I want a wonderful pair of dancing shoes to match.
I want, I want, I want.
And while I do occasionally wonder about what God wants, I seldom ask. I seldomly file inquiries as to what exactly it is that God wants me to learn from these humbling experiences. I wonder how and when God will bless me next, but it is a rare occasion when I question how I am to be busy blessing others in the meantime.
I didn't know there was so much of me lying around.
Wow. There's a ton of it, laying around everywhere. My life is absolutely filthy with me.
** I live my life so much of the time at one extreme or the other. In previous days (and not all that long ago) I lead a largely selfless life, never able to say no to anyone, to the point of my own detriment. Recognizing a need for some change, I've pivoted to an existence of complete and utter self-absorbtion. **
I don't make inquiries because I'm too busy guessing what the response will be and then being scared to death of it. I'm frightened for what it will mean, for what I will be forced to give up. And so I sit in a selfish silence, concerned only for the "consequences" my break of silence will bring.
Please don't misunderstand. Many times I am really, really happy. When I am distracted by Southern Living orders, or relatively bad karaoke, or wholesale club memberships, or raw duck juice, or boxing on HBO...
When I'm distracted by my 2 year-old nephew, Cheech, assaulting my forehead with a plastic fish and then rectifying his behavior with a Curious George band-aid, it is then that I am truly filled with joy. But it is in the absence of these things that I feel how poorly I am glued together. My foundation has grown so weak, which leads me to believe that it was never really that strong to begin with.
I'm not all that crazy about taking on home improvement projects. Well, to be fair to me, let's just say that it's not that I'm I dislike the projects, it's just that I'm not the most diligent when it comes to those things. Yes, it took me over a year to paint my bedroom.
In light of this information: These self-improvements will not be easy to tackle. My stick-to-itness is feeble, at best.
In spite of this information: I will keep trying anyway. When I fail, I will go back and try again, and again, and again.
Friend, it's quite true that I cannot outgive God. Admittedly, I've never been wealthy enough to give it a fair shot, but I have tested the waters, so to speak.
My Cheech has left me, and has left behind him this almost shameful emptiness in my life.
Once upon a time, I had the equivalent of two jobs, a comfortable income, and many prospects.
Now I have no job, no money, and no prospects.
The Lord gives, and He take away, and I'll be damned if I'm not going to be blessing His name regardless.