Saturday, December 18, 2004

It's just like Loverboy said

Current mood: boisterously brilliant!

How do I continue to breathe? How do I walk away from my bed every morning knowing? How does my heart not throb in aching pain from the mere realization? But, I do just that: I breathe, I wake, I fulfill everyday rituals without ever once acknowledging the very center of my existence.

eh... I am prideful, and extraordinarily so.

It is now that I wonder, and try to count how many times in my life I have earnestly prayed for humility -- I should be careful of what I pray for.

I can recall sitting in my Biblical counseling classes, 7 years ago, and listening intently to Dr. Jerry Benjamin. What an incredible man of passion, for both God and others. He made a habit to address us as "beloved" and challenged each of us to take a long, hard stare at our own lives, our own spiritual fractures, our own outrageous pride before ever attempting to consult another person's needs. I had never realized how much of a challenge that actually is until I sat weeping, three days later, faced with a list of prideful motivations and infidelities to my God that stretched to infinity (or, at least through several pages of a lined notebook).

I will never conquer pride, I realize that. For as soon as I have, I will develop a new pride for my altruistic attitude.

This is what I do while working on the weekend... I sit here, and I cook my books. I punch in my figures and pour over the election law manuals. I balance my calendar with my event requests, and I build new fundraising goals based on past performance. I work... and I think about my ever prideful nature. Is it entirely unacceptable to talk to myself?

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In other items of fairly uninteresting news, I have gone and reached the pinacle. I have been to the mountaintop. I have experienced elation, and this feeling far exceeds it. Folks, I have reached blue-star status on ebay. I should just quit now, because life doesn't get much better than this

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