Monday, March 28, 2005

awakening (more sudden than rude); asleep (more restless than deep).

** The beginning portion of this was originally posted on May 25, 2004

All for comfort and worry. COMFORT. WORRY. Do they both exist on parallel planes? CAN they both exist on parallel planes?
I'm hitting a brick wall. I'm running straight into it, through it, with energy unsurpassed. I was sitting, listening hard. There was noise all around, but it was not noise. It was confusion. It was empty sound. It meant nothing. As the world spun around me, I was 100% focused, narrowed even.

Things change. Attitudes, actions - they all change.

I came to such a stark, candid realization yesterday. This is something that has been so incredibly long in the works, but I came to my end yesterday realizing all of my actions, my words, my thoughts, my motivations, my attitudes... they've all been so fettered - that is, fettered to this crazy idea that I have to please everyone, that I can't say no, that... well, sometimes to no idea at all. Sometimes they are blank, empty, hollow. Sometimes it's as though it's not even me.

God still bothers with me, and why? I strive to be a servant of Christ but I seldom strive with any great vigor. I strive to strive. I want to want. I desire to desire.

My life must mean something. It has to in the end. What will my life count for? More importantly, what will my earthly end count for? I don't know why I do some of the things that I do. I ruin my testimony. I speak from both sides of my mouth. I love my savior, but not enough to quit pushing him away. I'm like a 2 year-old. It's amazing.


I'm not certain that I've ever re-posted a blog entry/title. Somehow, this seems far more appropriate now than it did nearly a year ago.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. (Ephesians 6:12)

For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I'm not one to typically walk around quoting scripture - but I do frequently state what's on my mind. If that happens to be scripture, then we're all in for a treat, now aren't we?

My life does equal something. My words and actions are always taken into account, but the bottom line is that I don't want my faith to be mediocre. I don't want my faith to be average. I am desperate for my faith to be extraordinary - and I'm somewhat unsure of how to express that. This is typical moe behavior.

I love people with such intensity that it postively aches - it's just that sometimes people don't know that. Many times people don't know that. I could maybe muster up the courage to say it - but what's to say that people would even believe me?

I often hate feeling introspective. It makes me feel vulnerable, even to myself.

When I think, I write.
When I write, I mostly feel the insatiable urge to post it on websites such as this (even against my better judgement)
It's been scientifically proven that when a person like me makes the decision to post their personal thoughts and musings on a public domain such as this, it is inevitable that at some point in time, it will be posted on a political site with the intention of embarassing, mocking, and/or destroying someone that I care about; I should probably be a little more careful, eh?
Moral of the story: politics suck.

except... well, that's not really the moral of the story at all.

Currently reading :
Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality
By Donald Miller
Release date: By 17 July, 2003

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