Wednesday, July 20, 2005

fascination street

I had a dream last night. In fact, I had several dreams - the kind when one merges flawlessly into the next. Except, well, really it's only flawless in dream world. In the real world there is no way that it could be flawless, for it's simply far too bizarre.
Serial killer lockdown, right into barbecue with over-zealous volunteers grilling hamburgers the size of your head, right into conservative Christian home-school convention with familiar faces lurking in the most unexpected places... all taking place in the same house: the very house that I inadvertently fell asleep in last night while haphazardly pretending to watch a movie (but really ruminating... oh, that thing that I promise myself and pray to God that I will be rid of very very soon).

Serial killer lockdown ended as frantically as it started. I was hysterical, obsessive even as I bolted doors and boarded windows all over this house. He was loose and he was coming to get ME.
Sadly, tragically, awfully, horribly, it wasn't just one - it was many, and it could have been anyone. Anyone with that certain look in their eye.
The dream eventually lead to me purchasing a pistol (withough a license, mind you) and shooting my darling little brother three times in the chest, sending him into eternity.

No sooner was it that I had shot him that his wounds faded and we were at a barbecue together, Lisa and Todd Bourke (the over-zealous volunteers) were grilling the most monstrous hamburgers I had ever seen. All I wanted was dessert but all I could get were burgers the size of Baltimore. There was something to do with water too and somehow, the backyard become flooded and a few people nearly drowned.

The flood waters receded and beneath it lied the rear-end of a Weis Markets (doubling as an expo center) hosting a conservative Christian home-school convention. I wandered around from booth to booth amongst women wearing headcoverings and gently pushing incredibly well-behaved babies in strollers that looked as though they had seen at least a dozen diaper bottomed babies before this one. All the women and girls wore long skirts and button-down short sleeved blouses, I wore a tank top, flip flops and a denim skirt that came just to the knee. Most of the men were unattractive and I was bored but intrigued; bored because I've seen this scene a million times before, but intrigued because they do seem happy and... well, they don't seem like they necessarily have it all figured out, but they're comfortable with the fact that they don't, knowing that at some point they will.

I bumped into familiar faces and for some reason felt mildly ashamed for my seemingly inappropriate attire. I bumped into Kim LaMantia, a girl I knew from the training center in Indianapolis and she congratulated me for my "short skirt", laughing half mockingly and half envious. I don't think I've ever felt more strongly that I didn't belong somewhere but that I ought to.
I approached the back doors of the "expo center" and saw dozens of protesters outside. They carried signs and shouted indecipherable outcries at the closed doors in front of them. One woman held a basket of fruit and vegetables that appeared fresh and threw them harshly at the doors. Others around her picked up the produce that bounced back to the ground and threw them again. There was a lot of hate... and that really struck me. These people, as much as I sympathize with their feelings of someone else telling them what is right and wrong, or telling them to feel guilty, or telling them to worship this God, or abide by this rule... as much as I had sympathy for them, I was completely and utterly abhored of them. The people surrounding me inside were peaceful, polite, giving, loving... simply choosing curriculum for their children and enjoying the fellowship with other people of like sentiment. They were not actively telling anyone how to live outside of maybe their children - which is a whole other argument.

Hatred is such an incredibly horrible thing, on any side of the fence. I woke up disturbed that any human being could hate another human being so strongly simply for doing what they honestly believe to be the right thing.
It goes for conservatives too, who happen to be pretty spiteful as well.

For a second, I wanted desperately to be outside with those protesters just to infiltrate. I wanted to show them that someone like me, with my beliefs, can be an understanding and nurturing person who cares about others' opinions, religions, political leanings, and lifestyle choices.

Waking up this morning I realize that this is a lot of my problem. In my efforts to make everyone happy, I really just piss everyone off. The irony, eh?

This is the first dream I've actually remembered upon waking up in awhile. I think that it means I'm sleeping better, which is a tremendous relief.


I'm hoping for sunshine through and through today and tomorrow. I'm grasping for straws, but I want low low humidity levels. I want a blue sky. I want clouds, but only a few puffy ones. I want... clarity in its 100% most all-encompassing form.

I wanna dance with somebody, and feel the heat with somebody.

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Currently listening :
By The Cure
Release date: By 01 May, 1989

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