Friday, April 09, 2004

Meager efforts

I had a long talk with Amanda yesterday about my wavering emotional status with my job. She seemed to understand but I had a hard time getting past all of the political bullshit to know if she is REALLY talking to me as a friend or as future deputy campaign manager of SFG2005. It's hard to know sometimes. It's sad when you feel like you can't really trust anyone. I hate the fact that I would ever feel that way about Amanda, especially since we've been friends for so damn long, but it's true. I think I'm getting stronger though now. I know that MB is really worried about me - worried that I'll fail them. I'm worried too. How can I accomplish this when I don't even really care about it anymore? That sounds horrible, that I don't care. I hate saying that I don't care. It sounds so empty, so selfish. Like saying "I'm bored". I don't think I've said that since I was about 8 years old. I remember being at summer camp when I was 8 years old and there was a speaker there at one of our chapel sessions. I don't remember much of the things that we learned throughout those many chapel sessions at the three summers I spent at camp, but I do remember this one guy saying that "I'm bored" is the same as "I'm selfish". That stuck with me and I haven't uttered those words since. Ahhhh... the wisdom that I've picked up over the years. :)

At any rate - I have the day off today and it's like I don't quite know what to do with myself. I feel completely out of place with my family's day to day routine. The maintenance guy is here fixing the gaping hole in our kitchen ceiling and he's at home with the rest of my family. He's himself. I have no idea who this man is
- I've never met him. Mom introduced me to him this morning.

Mom: "Jimmy, this is our OTHER daughter, Monica. She works 24/7".
Jimmy: "Yeah. I've never met HER before. Wow. 24/7, huh?"
Mom: "Yeah. She's a real work-a-holic."
Me: (thinking) I'm the farthest thing from a work-a-holic, but that's just fine. *smile, nod, shake his hand*

Time for lunch. I just got back from my "run" (walk just sounds like I'm not really exercising). It's a gorgeous day though and I'm sure glad that I don't have to work.

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